You are such a geek. Everyone at the sci-fi convention knows your first name (Randy), last name (Gibbs), middle name (Sherry), Dungeon name (Ortho the wise), Vulcan name (Spark), AOL login (NaNu_Ork182), dog's name (Buster), porn name (Buster Sherry), nickname (Spaz), band name (U2), other band name (Buster Sherry and the Virgins), novelist's pseudonym (Joyce Carol Oates), stage name (Harry Anderson), your Dad's name (George), your Mom's name (Ma'am), and your Hebrew name (psyche! You're not Jewish, Spaz!).

Your stand up routine is soooooooooooooo boring and unfunny. You are Tim Allen.

Your reputation as a "ladies man" has been hurt by the current economy, and your inability to hire escorts. Bringing your mom to parties probably hasn't helped much either.

You drive so slow. My grandfather drives faster than you. Yes, my grandfather is Mario Andretti, so what? He is still a grandfather and you are still a quadraplegic.

Your belief in God is so ridiculously fervent. Even God is like, "Jeez! Cut me some slack, 'Job'!!"

Your bible references are tiresome and make me lose respect for you as a writer.

You are a sausage bedazzler. When language came to the lotion paper you think smarty pants but now you can't Spiderman at all.

You are so stupid!! Jesus! You don't even have a clue. Professor Plum and I are laughing at you right now, in the librar--hey, what's the wrench for, man? Prof...!

Your ability to shotgun beer is matched only by your inability to follow twelve simple steps.

You're such a hillbilly. You think "THE HILLS HAVE EYES" is a documentary. About you.

You're so vain. You probably think this song is about you.

Your bottled water is completely full of bullshit. Corporate, yuppie, marketing bullshit. And a touch of feces.

You're such a slut! When Della Reese heard how many people you slept with, she refused to "touch" you.

Yer so dum. Yoo kan onlee reed wurds that ar spelld fonetiklee.

You are so retarded. You've probably seen "VAMPIRE IN BROOKLYN" a hundred times. And you're only distantly related to Eddie Murphy.

You're so stoned. You're all "blaaagh!" ... and I'm all... "yeaaaahhhh" ... and they're all like--Wait, no--I'M so stoned. Awesome!

You're so indecisive. Or maybe you just don't care. No, you're indecisive... Aww, fuck it!