If you believe the crap about experience being the best teacher, I offer this condensed guide. Not only does if contain insightful clichés for today, but also solid, useful advice for dealing with life's little obstacles, all offered experience-free to the readers. Some of the advice is so simple and obvious you will want to hit yourself in the head with a hammer for not realizing immediately the depth and wisdom contained in each seemingly puerile adage. Prepare yourself for enlightenment and awesome epiphanies. Read and heed you hammer heads.

And now, some things I’ve learned:

The horse wears the reins but the monkey's gonna swing.

You seldom help a friend in need by throwing rocks in trees.

Beware of the person wearing clothing sewn with pine needles.

A person with a bucket is prepared for rain but not drizzle.

Always be prepared to ignore your instincts especially when it comes to sandwiches.

Remember 'user friendly' not only applies to computers but also to underwear.

The next thing you know, old Jed's a millionaire.

Avoid the person who takes heed of tsunami warnings in Kansas.

If you are feeling low, stay there until you can pull your head out of your ass and get on with it.

Underneath every paved road is a muddy, dirty road leading straight to hell.

Next time you find yourself in an untreated, contaminated sewer, naked, being eaten alive by starving, rabid rats, remember to ask yourself what's the worst that can happen.

Always cover your manhole.

Life is like a bad car accident so slow down and take a good look.