Dear Betsy:
Ever since I moved in with my boyfriend, our sex life has been almost non-existent. What can I do to spice things up?
-Frustrated in Philly

Dear Philly:
The reason your sex life is suffering is because you're living in sin. Sex is only for marriage. Move out or get married immediately.

***

Dear Betsy:
My boyfriend loves performing cunnilingus on me, but I just can't seem to relax and enjoy it. He's starting to get really insecure about his technique. What should I do?
-Unlicked in Lichtenstein

Dear Lichtenstein:
First off: get married. Secondly, you shouldn't be talking about such things.

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Dear Betsy:
I'm a lesbian and I just started dating a bisexual woman who is in a relationship with a man. Am I setting myself up for heartbreak, or could this actually work?
-Part of a Triangle in the Research Triangle.

Dear Triangle:
Start going to church immediately to atone for this choice you've made. You should want to get married to a man, period.

Dear Betsy:
My boyfriend says I'm no good at giving blow jobs. Any tips?
-Too Toothy in Tuscaloosa

Dear Toothy:
I have no idea what a "blow job" is. Go to church.

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Dear Betsy:
I'm currently sleeping with three different guys, and I haven't decided which one I want a committed relationship with. Is it wrong to continue sleeping with all of them as long as they all know about each other and we have safe sex?
-Hitting Them Off With A Stick in San Francisco

Dear Stick:
I don't understand. How can you be married to three separate men? Pick one and marry him. And go to church. And move away from San Francisco. I don't like that place.

***

Dear Betsy:
I want my girlfriend to start giving me rim jobs, but I can't figure out the best way to ask her. How do I tactfully suggest it without freaking her out?
-Wondering in Wisconsin

Dear Wondering:
I'm sorry about the delay in getting back to you. I looked up the word "rim job" and I've been throwing up constantly ever since. Please commit yourself to a Christian psychiatric facility immediately.