Of all the household items my Mom brings out for the holidays, my favorite has always been the manger action set. Each Christmas she'd painstakingly set up her representation of the birth of Christ, next to the spice/pill rack in the kitchen/lounge of the trailer.

The manger set was a gift to her, but from whom I don't know, nor does she recall. All I really know about the origin was that most of the original figures were hand carved in Italy--a common declaration my father would make any time I started playing with them.

"Don't you F with those figures. Those are HAND CARVED from ITALY, Goddammit!"

Of course his threats never really bothered me, and soon Baby Jesus was flipped on his side as a buffer, protecting Princess Leia, Yoda and a Hoth Rebel solider from Jabba the Hut, Darth Vadar and Greedo. It was quite common to find Ewoks hanging out at the manger, accompanied by He-Man, and maybe Star Scream from the Transformers.

My parents would always complain about my positioning these things around the holy birth scene, informing me that my actions were "unholy, unethical" and of course "totally inaccurate."

But let's talk about accuracy and my mom's manger set.

You see, those handcarved Italian figures didn't last very long, especially when it came to the action swing of Skeletor and Merman. Before long, most of the original wise men were decapitated. Joseph lost his nose defending the Death Star. Then my mom dropped Baby Jesus on the floor and he was devoured by my dad's half-wolf/half-Siberian Husky.

Each time a figure was destroyed, my mom had to find a replacement. But she could never find an exact match. So now we've got this huge Baby Jesus (so big it won't even fit into the manger play set).

She kept Joseph, sans nose, and later placed a band-aid around his face. Now the father of Christ looks like Michael Jackson with a surgical mask

A smaller figurine replaced Mary. So small that Baby Jesus towers over her like Godzilla, and I can only imagine what that birth must have been like. Can you say the Immaculate C-section?

Then there were the animals.

My mom couldn't stop buying animals for the manger set; camels, cows, sheep, raccoons, a basset hound, two cats, an eagle, a donkey, more raccoons, and eventually a giraffe and zebra.

So now we've got Godzilla Jesus and his parents Michael Jackson and Mini-Mary, surrounded by a goat, cow and a zebra in the middle of a Bethlehem manger. And angels. Three of them: one blonde, and one brunette. The third is a Geisha doll that Mom picked up from some flea market, who stands on top of the manger looking doped-up, probably wondering why the hell a giraffe is next to the Christmas tree. Finally, three vapid looking Ken doll shepherds, not wearing shirts, but with a sheep draped across their back and shoulders, like some Gay Pride rally gone horribly bestiality, are just sort of hanging at the back of the manager.

But Yoda is not allowed here because she wants to "establish an accurate portrait of the birth of Jesus."