Did you ever notice snow? What’s up with that? It’s like freezing rain, only floaty. And damn, is it cold! What’s up with that?

Hey, how about shoes? They’re like prisons for your feet. Who ever decided about shoes? And don’t get me started on laces. Man. That’s foot fascism.

Apparently, cartoons just aren’t for kids anymore. Have you seen these? Cartoons that are on days other than Saturday mornings? And they even have entire stations dedicated to cartoons. And, some are Japanese. When did that happen?

Mondays suck, don’t you think?

I only drink on days that end in ‘y’.

I’m just joking.

The thing about pregnant women is, they’re fat. Y’know?

But seriously, folks. Let’s take it down a notch. Clitorectomies. There’s no excuse for that. Am I right?

Sometimes I lose stuff, and that’s a pain. Have you ever lost anything? Where does it all go?

Don’t get me started!

I mean, really!

Did you ever touch a lightbulb, and it was really hot? Ouch!

Sometimes it’s hard to fall asleep. And then you’re like, "Hey! Why aren’t I sleeping?"

You’ve been great, thanks, everyone. Your lukewarmwarm response reminds me of the last time I had unsatisfying sexual intercourse.

Oh, I’m just kidding. Ha!