Having My Mother Over For Breakfast Again And, Though Perfectly Ready To Make Scrambled Eggs, Instead Soiling My Stone-Washed Overalls, Deep-Frying Them And Serving Them To Her — October 25
Uh-oh; looks like instead of taking my mother’s health and feelings into account and considering the consequences of my actions, I was letting serious hallucinogens do my thinking for me! After my mother began vomiting and having terrible seizures the previous morning, you’d think that I would have put away the bottle and the syringe and the blotter acid and my four-month old twelve-gallon bucket of Red Clam Bull McSpeed Juice (ingredients: Red Bull, Clamato, speed, bleech) and straightened my goddamn life out. But I guess that’s what happens when you’re smack-dab in the middle of the worst decision-making week/drug binge of your life: you fuck up, a lot, over and over again.

I mean, we’re not talking about my acid-washed or my wash-type-not-specified overalls here, but my stone­-washed overalls—the ones given to me by the lead singer of the Satchel Paige Orchestra, Satchel Paige Jr., as a Chanukah gift back in 1845.

Boy, those were trying years. And luckily I had those stone-washed radar-detecting overalls to guide my footsteps and detect my radars. I think that force-feeding them, soiled and deep-fried was a horrible blunder, as I will surely need those again one day to fight in the Fingernail Wars of 2009. Sounds to me like this idea would make a perfect nominee for the Worst Idea I Had All Last Year!

Not Burying My Mother Well Enough – October 26
I hope that your Honor can see that this whole thing was just a big misunderstanding and a horrible mistake—the result of a string of bad choices. If loving your mother enough to have her over for breakfast two consecutive days is a crime, then surely you ought to lock me up. And if accidentally killing her is a crime, then you should surely let me off the hook.

I think I’ve made it clear that the only crime I committed was having a few bad ideas… and criminally neglegant homicide… and drug use… and counterfeiting money.

Therefore, I plead not guilty. Thank you.

Sincerely,
King Edward I, the Hammer of the Scots