I Scared Willem Dafoe
I* was walking in Brooklyn, a little bit lost. It was starting to rain and Heather said, "Let's just ask the next person we see for directions." So I saw this guy across the street, wearing a hood, and I stepped toward him and said, "HEY!" He looked at me and I realized it was Willem Dafoe. I froze. I think that spooked him. He pulled his jacket tight and hurried off. Awesome!

*This actually happened to my friend Martin. I wasn't even there. But I like this story.

Scott Ian "Cock-Blocked" Me (sort of)
I saw Brian Posehn at Tinkle last Sunday. I wanted to meet him, and ask for an interview. I saw him sitting by himself at the bar and I headed in that direction, but then I chickened out at the last minute and just walked on by. Sometimes I still do that. It's weird.

Anyway, I figured I would try to talk to him after the show. So when I saw him across the room, I made my way over. But when I got there he was talking to Scott Ian from Anthrax and I got scared and left. That fucking goatee triggered panic.

But For Your Principles, You Could Have Met Joey Ramone
This is a cautionary tale. My friends Larry and Rhonda were visiting NYC and Larry wanted to go into the Virgin Megastore. Rhonda hates those big chain record stores, so she waited outside for him. A little while later, she decided to go look for Larry. As she descended the escalator she saw Joey Ramone walking away. The Ramones had just had an in-store, and she had missed it. By the time she got to the bottom, he was out the door. Then he fucking died. The moral? Shop at Virgin, I guess.

That was actually Gwyneth Paltrow
Chris Weber and I always spot fake celebrities whenever we walk around NYC. We joke about how one day we'll see an actual celebrity, and won't recognize them. Then one day, after hours of spotting fakes, Weber went home and I saw Gwyneth Paltrow a minute later. This story is boring. The next one is better.

Rock and Roll Heaven
I was a freshman in college, dating this guy who liked to go to the local hangout and get into "philosophical discussions" with strangers. God he sucked. Anyway, one night he started debating the existence of God with a Christian girl and her parents. They left, but she sent her friend to our table to come "witness" to us, because we needed to be saved, or whatever. So this kid came over to the table and talked to us about God. I soon forgot all about it.

Six years later, I was having lunch in New York with a visiting friend who confessed that it had been him who testified to me that night. I had known this friend for five years and never remembered him from that night. He knew all along, but was too embarrassed to tell me.

It was Corn Mo.

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