Dear PEOPLE Magazine,
How can you possibly bill yourselves as the last bastion of real news and hardball journalism in the US? With your boring and ass-kissing coverage of Gwyneth Paltrow’s recent decision to give up acting for now to spend more time with her “beau”, you’ve officially reduced the number of real news organizations in the US to zero.

Congratulations.

The personal lives of movie stars and their decisions to give up working to spend time with current flings don’t interest me or any of your other readers. We want to see more of your insightful coverage of the Jayson Blair debacle; more scientifically sound discussions of the SARS scare; more of the “word” on the Justin/Christina tour and what Britney might think of it.

News? Ha! Have fun in hell with The New York Times, The New Yorker and the BBC.

Assholes.

P.S. Can you believe that Ashton Kutcher? Is he incorrigible or what?

***

Dear PEOPLE Magazine,
Go to hell. I was so excited when I woke up this morning and realized that the new issue of PEOPLE may be coming in the mail. Much to my delight, it did come, but my delight quickly turned to chagrin. I opened it up, pen in hand, ready to take whatever celeb-related pop quiz you might have included. My favorites have been, "How Well Do You Know Ted McGinley?" (superbly well) and, "How Alike Are You And Eliza Dushku?" (not very alike, but that’s okay; it’s our differences that make the world go ‘round, right?).

I opened the magazine, ready to glean what little insight into the personalities of movie stars your magazine might accidentally spill. Instead I had to read some horseshit about Gwyneth Paltrow taking time off from doing movies. There are two things you need to know, honeychild(s):

1. I don’t read this magazine to find out about people who want to be less famous.

2. I read this magazine primarily to take the PEOPLE’s Pop Quizzes, based on the inclusion in the magazine of two such PEOPLE’s Pop Quizzes ever-—one about Ted McGinely and another Eliza Dushku.

Dickheads.

P.S. Oh. My. God. Ashton Kutcher and all of the other totally-deserving-of-their-fame-and-wealth celebrities whose movie-set trailer contents you wrote about next to grainy and arbitrary photographs are crazy! These folks are incorrigible. I’m incorrigible too.

***