Dear PEOPLE Magazine,
Thank you, thank you, thank you. A thousand times thank you!

I was having a conversation with the moldy sweat stain that’s developed on the couch directly underneath my ass and my huge ass-like back about what celebrities may or may not keep in their trailers on movie sets. Stainy said that it was teapots and I said that it wasn’t. We’ve been arguing off-and-on, but actually just “on”, for six months now about this.

Fortunately, our copy of PEOPLE came in the mail this morning and we were able to settle the dispute once and for all.

To punish Stainy, I changed his name to Licky and I spent about two hours licking him. He was really chagrined, but you know how psychotic hallucinations can be. Alf and the world’s largest marshmallow tiger think I was too hard on him. But you know what? Fuck them.

Cocksuckers.

P.S. We’re so glad to hear that Gwyneth is taking some time off for beau Chris Martin. We were worried that she wasn’t spending enough time with him. I’m so relieved, in fact, that I’m going to let the governor’s daughter go, unharmed.

Well, mostly unharmed!

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