1.
Instructions for the Missionary-Style Fuck Pad:
Hang pad facing you.
Fuck it.

2.
My dick’s not going to suck itself.
And I’m not sure that, even if it could, I would really even want it to, right?
No, actually, I guess I probably would.

3.
At least I’m not being stripped naked and then fucking tortured by a bunch of know-nothing kids, right? With the kids acting at the behest of some CIA or MI stooge who himself secretly wants nothing more than to be stripped naked and put in a dog collar.
That said, this whole administration might want to just go ahead and set themselves on fire.
But then I’m like, wait, fire can’t burn people as evil as this.
So that sucks.
Maybe extreme cold could kill them.
But then it’s like, wait, no, their souls are already both frozen AND on fire!
Which is totally fucked up, right?

4.
Have you read Dante’s Inferno?
Me either.

5.
To be perfectly frank, if my dick could suck itself, I guess probably be really excited about that.

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