In terms of weight, I am what "America's Next Top Model" would refer to as "plus-sized": 5 feet 6 inches tall, and 111 pounds. Liposuction? You know it. Tummy tuck? Duh. And let’s lose this fat ass. I won't be winning any beauty contests until I am 16 pounds thinner and three inches taller.

However, I do still want butt implants; firm and taut with a seven-inch crack. And both my arms need to be two inches longer. I’m not exactly sure what type of surgery that would be, but I’ll let your team of experts figure that out!

Oh yeah--I have no hair. On Sunday I saw Episode 14 with Amber (Snaggletooth? Ring a bell?). You gave her the perfect auburn hair and I tried (and tried and tried) to match it. Six days and 64 dye jobs later, my head now resembles my knee in both shape and shine. (My mother wanted me to sneak in the word "lawsuit" somewhere in here...)

Another huge problem for me is that I have a crush on this boy at school. He's not popular or rich or even good-looking. He’s just an average skinny kid who is really nice to me. What I’m saying is that my current heart just won’t do.

Finally, my true curse: I hate my vagina. That didn’t come out right. I don’t want to change parts or anything (I am a dedicated feminist!), I just loathe the overall appearance of my vagina, and I don't think I'm alone. Millions of people must be equally dissatisfied with the length, girth, folds, profile, location, color, acoustics, cavernousness, thinness, thickness, floppiness, or sloppiness of their genitalia.

In my case, my vagina’s lackluster and depressed disposition simply doesn’t fit my jovial, sunny personality. I want to be the first on Extreme Makeover to transform my unsightly dandelion into an ornate orchid.

E.M., I hope you can make my dreams come true. As things stand, I often find I can't muster the self esteem required to leave my house (I imagine the neighborhood kids call it "The House Where the Ugliest Girl in the World Lives with Her Mother that Wears a Miss Nebraska Sash that She Made Herself"). I eagerly await your reply.

Your Number One Priority (and Fan),
Sam

***