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by Franky Pelvis

Oh, I need to start "Accepting" things now?

Republicans are now attacking liberals on their "pathetic" belief that all ballots should be counted. Many people unhappy with the prospect of another four years of Bush want to see if Ohio's provisional and Absentee ballots might be enough to tip the state and the presidency back into Kerry's column. Conservative columnists' response to this is basically, "LOL! DUDZ U NEED 2 JUST GIV UP & ACCEPT IT ALREADY!!!!"

Normally I would have to agree. Mathematically speaking, it's pretty goddamn unlikely that 125,000 votes are going to materialize out of thin air, even if you were to count the shit out of those ballots. I mean, if you count really really hard you might get another 8000 votes. But not even Count Chocula is going to deliver Ohio's 20 electoral votes to Kerry.

My problem isn't that Republicans don't care about the accuracy of the voting system in this country, as long as they like the results. That I can understand. If my bank accidentally transferred $20,000 into my checking account I'd be ok with that. I probably wouldn't ask for a recount.

What I cannot stomach, however, is that people who don't even believe in evolution are lecturing me on statistics and probability. Guess what, assholes: the probability that Adam and Eve were the first people on Earth is approximately %0.00000000000000. And unless the "virgin" Mary was sitting on some really nasty toilet seats in Nazareth, I seriously doubt she conceived without a little of the old in-out in-out.

You are probably right about the election. However you are wrong about almost every other thing on Earth. So don't get cocky. You chastising me on what I do or do not need to accept is like Jar Jar Binks correcting me for ending a sentence with a preposition.

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PAGE ONE
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FEATURE: Apocalypse Wow!
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FEATURE: The Day Ving Rhames Inspired Me
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COLUMN: Corn Mo's Tales of Wonder

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