Not-So-Smooth Criminal: What happens if Michael Jackson is convicted?
by Kittenpants and Matt Tobey.

The whole world is waiting anxiously for the jury's decision in the Michael Jackson case. Assuming he's convicted, we're betting the fallen King of Pop will try taking his own life. Look for an expensive and whimsical suicide attempt, like jumping off a twenty-story tower of cotton candy. Failing that, the following are some possibilities for Michael on the inside.

Forms the All New Jackson Five with cellmates Aryan-Jesus, Needles, Shiv-Dawg, and Jermaine.
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Turns his clothes into weapons by sharpening sequins.
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Teaches Bubbles how to pick up the soap; moonwalks out of the shower.
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Names his bedding "Blanket Jackson II."
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Makes homemade "Jesus Juice" from apple cider, cigarette butts and tears.
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Smuggles Marlon Brando's bones in a cake; fashions them into a makeshift ferris wheel.
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Incites prison-riot over poor sales of Invincible.
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Challenges fellow inmate to hardboiled-egg eating contest. (Loses, 43 to 1/2.)
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Convinces prison gangs to set aside violence, instead settling disputes with an elaborately choreographed dance-off.
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Reunites USA for Africa to raise cigarettes.
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Writes a letter each day, imploring Congress to give prison its own library of Coreys.
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Discovers "the next Rockwell." Records "Somebody's Crotchin' Me."
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Assures guards he can cure prostate cancer by clutching nutsack.
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Learns what "a month in the hole" really means.
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Spends years slowly digging tunnel in cell behind Home Alone movie poster.
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Petitions Elton John to write new lyrics to "Candle in the Wind."
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Decides to take a personal interest in the rehabilitation of all prisoners, starting with "the man in the mirror."

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