Dear Lantana ranch land-owner:
Your plot (the .003 acres you purchased from us last Autumn) is now being under-investigated in a sex-for-murder-for-hire plot against our good-man and fearless fashion fighter, Nionel Frick. You will be summoned at a later date on all four of your entrance points. Please make yourself available for recognizing between the hours of 10 and 3.

Latana Ranch Ceo
HARLAN T. BOB ESQ
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Dear Sir,
We can’t offer you any more coupons on account of your sad sad story. Please direct all your frustrating banter to a smaller animal or your poor battered wife. We could care less that your mammogram was deficient in tit fat. That issue has nothing to do with Hoggin Josh Ice Cream.

Yours Truly,
Fanny Mae
CEO
Hoggin Josh Inc.
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Neighbor,
Hey this Ronnie MacCall, your next door neighbor. I got some walkie-talkies and wanted to drop one off. I've been having trouble with vandals and I'm vigilante-ing it from here on out. The walkies are made by Tandy so it’s a fine product. I'll be on channel 9; any correspondence should be kept to a minimum. If the scumbag brigade uses channel 9 we have not mere a smidge of a chance. I'll enclose a Morse Code chart in case they Chuck Norris my throat.

If I'm outside lining the curb with pantry items lined up from tallest to smallest or categorizing cereal boxes based on color, then you will know I'm using mind strategy.

Going major recon.
Ron
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Felix,
Was at the station the other day and I thought of you. Your baggin' mouth and your high step shoes always got me hot; put a stride in my pant. I'll swing by the store some time and chat you up. I think you do a good job managing the piece of shit. Shucks, I wish we were closer. I'm necking some dude named Carter now. He's one-upped me in the tube sock tucking and that’s always a plus. Minnie from accounts payable got in alot of cheese spread and nan bread from the big meeting so I'm gonna run.

Ty
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Josh,
I ponied up and got myself a new switch. It rad. Instead of up and down to turn it on, it goes east to west and dims them spots. My posters and doodles look splendid. I researched: low and behold if they ain't got 'em for the car! I tore into my dash and went a yankin! Slapped in the east to west switch and now I'm dimming down Interstate 35. I busted the stitch in my britch now so I'm not as cool looking as I should be. Ill order you some for the hallway.

Later dude,
Kelly B
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This is Hollis' first submission to Kittenpants. Welcome aboard.

Feel free to submit your own links/comments.

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