JAMES LIPTON: Welcome.
ME: Holy shit? Am I on T.V.?

JL: We begin our journey tonight, in 1949 in Summit, New Jersey, where you were born. You first became interested in acting while a student at Vassar and upon graduation you enrolled in the Yale School of Drama. I understand that you developed an unusual nickname among some of the professors at Yale.
ME: What the fuck are you talking about?

JL: (shuffles his blue index cards nervously) Roger Ebert has said of your performance in Sophie’s Choice, “Her accent was so adorable, it made me want to spread icing on my penis.” How did the role of Sophie come to you?
ME: Actually, the role of Sophie never came to me, because I’m not Meryl Streep. I’m a dude.

JL: I’m very sorry; the intern who usually does my research took the week off to prepare a paternity suit against me.

(the students laugh)

JL: We come now to one of my favorite questions: what is the Oscar experience like?
ME: Well, I’ve never been to the Oscars, but one time, while I was riding the bus, a putrid homeless man, who bore an eerie similarity to Jack Nicholson, gave a nonsensical acceptance speech while holding a Beanie Baby.

JL: (delighted) That sounds like Jack. Here at the Actor’s Studio Drama School we train actors, directors, and writers. As you’ll notice the moment you hear them speak, most of these acting students, despite having zero gravitas and bad skin, are paying 26,000 dollars a year to go here. What is your advice to them?
ME: Well, I can only give them the same advice that my parents gave me --“Kill your dreams, before they kill you.”

JL: I think I love you.
ME: Also, I remember my Dad used to say, “If I throw up one more time, I’m going to call the hospital.” But that was more of a catchphrase than a piece of advice.

JL: Finally, if heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the pearly gates?
ME: Nice sodomy!

JL: Indeed.

***

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