kp: So this is pretty big news, though. You've both been hounded by the media lately.
JM: Jump in my nightmare, the water's warm!

kp: Well, you are drawing a lot of attention to yourself.
JM: Have you ever gotten the feeling that you aren't completely embarassed yet, but you glimpse tomorrow's embarrassment?

kp: You were criticized a little after Billy Bush interviewed you on Access Hollywood...
CB: This guy's a fucking fruit cake.

kp: And the guy that squirted you in the face...
DA: Citizen Dildo.

kp: And the Oprah appearance...
DA: I wanna wake up! Tech support! It's a nightmare! Tech support! Tech support!

kp: I heard you didn't press charges against the water-squirting guys.
LTK: If you want to act that way, fine. I get paid whether you go to jail or not.

kp: I can't believe they were arrested in the first place.
LTK: Oh, I forgot. You were sick the day they taught law at law school.

kp: It's just water.
JM: I am out here for you. You don't know what it's like to be ME out here for YOU. It is an up-at-dawn, pride-swallowing siege that I will never fully tell you about, ok?

kp: You are very generous with your time.
JG: Sometimes you gotta say "what the fuck."

kp: You really startled people, though, when you appeared on the Oprah show. You kept grabbing her and shaking her.
JM: I don't like black people? I am MISTER black people.

kp: I wasn't suggesting it was racially motivated.
V: What do you care? Have you ever heard of Rwanda?

kp: Yes. Wait, what?
LTK: No offense taken, in case you were wondering.

kp: Let's move on. On the TODAY show, Matt Lauer--
JA: Don't you EVER SAY HIS NAME!

kp: Why not?
JA: They set me up!

kp: I don't think they set you up.
LTK: DID YOU ORDER THE CODE RED?!

kp: ... No?
JA: He set me up! HE SET ME UP!

kp: When he asked you about your recent statements against psychiatrists--
TJ: I will drop-kick those fuckin' dogs if they come near me.

kp: You think chemical imbalances are made up lies?
CB: You know what I think? I think this autism is a bunch of shit! Because you can't tell me that you're not in there somewhere!

kp: Wait - you don't believe in autism?
V: Just kidding. Liver disease.

kp: You suggest treating depression with vitamins. Even though antidepressants can prevent suicide.
JA: The fact that you prevented it from happening doesn't change the fact that it was *going* to happen.

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