The Aristocrats
Last night I finally saw the movie The Aristocrats and it was everything I expected. If you haven't heard of it, I highly recommend it - lots of comedians telling the same dirty joke. I haven't heard so much talk of incest, diarrhea, and anal fisting since Christmas. I thought it was one of my Grandma's home movies. Then I saw Whoopi Goldberg shouting "nigger" and I knew it was one of my Grandma's home movies. Anyway, I wrote my own version of the Aristocrats joke and it goes a little something like this:

A talent scout walks into a club owner's office.

Talent Scout: So I saw the most amazing act last night. You have to book them at your club.

Club Owner: What's the act?

Talent Scout: Okay. So there's this doctor and his baby daughter. The doctor takes the baby up to this resort, right? And he takes the baby around the resort, and he puts the baby in some classes and is showing the baby a good time. Then one night at dinner, the baby is watching these sexy dancers. She's mesmerized by the dancers - they're practically having sex on the dance floor and the baby has never seen anything like it. The dancers are grinding their groins together and sweating all over one another-- the baby is hooked. She sneaks out of her cabin at night to be with the dancers. And they involve her in this twisted plot to help one of the women dancers get a back alley abortion. But then the abortion goes horribly wrong. The woman almost dies--there's pus and mucus and aborted stem cells all over her bleeding, scarred vagina. So the baby finally has to tell her father (the doctor) the truth, so that he can come and save the woman's life. The doctor is furious with his baby and stops speaking to her completely, which is fine with the baby because it gives her more opportunity to sneak around with the sexy male dancer. When the dancer is fired for stealing, the baby confesses to the doctor and the resort owner that she has been FUCKING this dancer the whole time. A BABY! So the dancer leaves and the doctor and his baby are both upset and they go to a talent show and the doctor gets a table in the corner and he and the baby sit in silence, watching the untalented hacks onstage. But then the sexy male dancer comes back, and he tells the doctor that "Nobody puts baby in a corner!" and he takes the baby to the stage where the two of them perform the most lewd, lascivious routine anyone has ever seen to some corny slow jam song. The dancer sensually traces the outline of the baby's tiny baby-breasts; he spins her in his arms and kisses her; he even lifts the baby over his head so that the entire room can see under her dress. The audience is shocked. But oddly enough, this dirty dance has made the doctor proud of his baby daughter. When it's over, he shakes the sexy male dancer's hand and basically gives him permission to continue fucking his baby!!

Club Owner: That's insane! What's it called?

Talent Scout: Diarrhea: The Movie.

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Kittenpants

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