Incredibly, Texans still couldn't decide between the lesser of two evils: a lying asshole, or a female. Finally Richards gave Williams a little rope, and sure enough, he hung himself. Just before the election at a public appearance, Richards and Williams came face to face in the crowd. Cameras on, Richards offered her hand to Williams, who scoffed and turned away, refusing to shake it. ON TELEVISION! You don't refuse to shake a lady's hand, you ignorant, tax-dodging, shit-eating, rape-deserving moron!

Immediately, polls began to rise in Richard's favor. And a short while later, Ann Richards became Texas' first leather-jacket-wearing, Indigo-girls-listening, motorcycle-riding, sober, female governor.

4. "STICKERS" ARE NOT A FUN FAD
Being from Texas means knowing that getting a sticker does not mean you have received a colorful adhesive cartoon patch with either a clever saying ("Every dog has its day!") or scratch-and-sniff-ability. It means you were walking outside and your socks and shoelaces are now covered in thorny barbs which cause pain, itching, and irritation. Shoeless Joe, you're in even more trouble--try running to your mom for help when you can't plant your big toe down. And if your dog has long hair, expect to spend most of your time slowly working those bastards out of his fur.

Stickers are usually found nestled in long grass and weeds, but not necessarily. West Texas, known as “the litter box” of the state, is famous for its desolate sandy minefields of dirt, thorns, and scorpions. It’s also famous for housing the highest percentage of agoraphobics.

5. "CHIGGER" IS NOT A RACIST TERM
I'm not saying there isn't racism in Texas. Of course there is. I would tell you about how it affected all the black kids I knew growing up, but I can't, because there weren't any.

But if you overhear a Texan complaining about all the "chiggers", don't organize a march just yet. A chigger, or harvest mite, is an insect that burrows into your skin and lives inside it, causing an itchy red bump, similar to a mosquito bite. It's a six-legged parasite which can be killed by cutting off its oxygen, usually by covering the bump with clear fingernail polish. I mean, I'm sure there are more scientific ways of killing chiggers, but this white-bread home-remedy works just as well.

You may be wondering what happens to the carcass of the dead bug. The best way to remove the intruder is to simply ask the insect if he or she saw a sign out in front of your skin that said "Dead Chigger Storage?" When the insect inevitably replies in the negative, you may explain to him or her that the reason he/she did NOT see that sign is because storing dead chiggers "ain't my fucking business". This is usually enough to motivate the little bastards.

6. TEXAS DOESN'T HAVE A MONOPOLY ON HILLBILLIES
To it's credit, Texas ISN'T home to every mullet-sporting dumbass you've ever heard of. Jeff Foxworthy, famous redneck spotter, is actually from Atlanta. Achy Breaky Billy Ray Cyrus was born and raised in Kentucky. Garth Brooks is from Oklahoma, although no one knows the birthplace of his alter ego, Chris Gaines. Wes Craven's terrifying inbred hillbilly disaster tale, THE HILLS HAVE EYES, is set in Arkansas, while Ned Beatty's DELIVERANCE pig-squeal had a touch of a Georgian accent, not a Texan one. Kid Rock is actually a yankee, straight out of Michigan, and NASCAR poster boy Jeff Gordon is a Californian. And even though the "bubblin crude" spurtin' out of the Clampett's lawn was labeled "Texas Tea", the Clampett's relocated to "Bev-er-ly" from the Ozark mountains, making them former residents of either Arkansas or Missouri. While we're at it, Mayberry (R.F.D.) was located in North Carolina, Andy Griffith's home state, and his show featured two prominent country bumpkins: (Alabaman) Jim Nabors, and (West Virginian) Don Knotts.

Okay, so Texas does honor a citizen named "Ima Hogg". But she's no hillbilly. On the contrary, she was known for her philanthropy and patronage of the arts. In addition, Texas was the birthplace of Walter Cronkite, Jayne Mansfield, Gene Roddenberry, Alvin Ailey, Carol Burnett, and Don Meredith.

Sorry about Matthew McConaughey.

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