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THE DAILY SCOOP
Friday, September 24, 2004

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Changes Made To The Star Wars Trilogy
Special Edition DVD Release

Star Wars Episode IV: A New Hope
Han Solo no longer shoots Greedo; instead, Greedo dies from a brain aneurysm.

Mos Eisley Cantina now completely inverted, with new dialogue dubbed in to suit the changed environment:

Patron: I have the death sentence on twelve systems. Hang on, some of my change fell out.

Obi Wan: This one is not worth the trouble, upside-down Walrus Guy.

C-3PO inexplicably raped by Chewbacca in all of their scenes together.

Rather than expiring in a cataclysmic explosion, the Death Star merely spins around and “bloops” out of existence, a la Pac-Man.

Star Wars Episode V: The Empire Strikes Back
Imperial Walkers now hop around like bunny rabbits.

Yoda sports handlebar moustache.

A musical montage is added to the film: Darth Vader, Boba Fett, and the Storm Troopers pose around Han Solo’s body, frozen in carbonite. The scene ends in a freeze frame of Vader and Boba Fett each kissing one of Solo's cheeks, with the words, "Happy Holidays from the Empire!"

Luke’s hand, once cut off, now violently sprays blood throughout the rest of the movie.

Star Wars Episode VI: Return of the Jedi
Darth Vader now adorned with mag wheels and flame decals.

Lando Calrissian’s “smoothness” increased.

Ewoks still remain a vital part of the Rebellion’s eventual triumph over the Empire, but involuntarily poop themselves throughout the latter half of the film.

All principle characters’ voices re-dubbed by Frank Oz.

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