HOW MY PHONE CONVERSATION WITH CITIBANK'S LAWYERS RESEMBLED LAST NIGHT'S PRESIDENTIAL DEBATE

me: I would gladly work out a payment plan to get back on schedule.
Lawyer: I understand your situation, but we can't put you on a payment plan until you pay us $3000.

me: If I had $3000, I wouldn't need a payment plan.
Lawyer: Now what kind of message is that to send my client? You voted for the authority to use the card, then you voted against spending the money to pay for it. Flip-flop, freedom, terror. I suggest you borrow the money from friends and family. And Poland.

me: I don't have that kind of credibility in the world right now.
Lawyer: And there you go, changing your position again. Mixed messages. Saddam. Mixed messages.

me: I have a plan, and it's a sound plan. It involves 6 payments of $500, over the course of 6 months.
Lawyer: I know your plan. I know about the world. The thing is, America needs the $3000. It's hard work. I know it is. And Poland knows, too. It takes hard work, freedom, terror, strength, and hard work. We're gettin' it done.

me: ???
Lawyer: Nuke-yoo-ler prolif... proliferater... Um, missile defense.

Kittenpants

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