First of all, let’s put things into perspective: you beat cancer. That, in and of itself, is a remarkable and profound achievement. Even if you smoked three packs a day and the cancer was your own damn fault, you should still feel victorious over the millions of losers, crying themselves to sleep in their little wuss coffins because they couldn’t tackle The Big C. Pat yourself on the back, you magnificent, carbon dioxide-producing bastard.

Still, you are human. You occasionally make choices that may be detrimental to your physical and emotional well-being. You may feel ashamed, or even embarrassed, but do not feel alone. You are not the only person to have inserted a flathead screwdriver into his kidney.

Everyone knows that quitting stabbing cold turkey is both unrealistic and dangerous. Once your body becomes conditioned to stabbing, it must be weaned off slowly and methodically, or else it will respond by stabbing itself, using your own bones.

The key to overcoming anything, including your stabbing addiction, is to cut back a little each day. If in a typical day you would stick garden shears in your stomach twenty times, try first switching to a smaller object, such as a broken light bulb or shoehorn, and then cut it back to only five good stabs.

You may not see the results right away; while the addiction is working its way out, the idea of not stabbing yourself might seem stupid or wrong. But stick with it (no pun intended!). This is a crucial time; do not give up!

Instead, find solace in your peers, preferably non stabbers, and attend functions where stabbing is less likely to occur, such as a baby shower or a public strangling. As the days go buy, you’ll feel less and less compelled to twist Hors d'oeuvres forks through your palm.

Focus on one day at a time, and look forward to the day that, no longer in need of a stick fix, you will be able to lead the kind of "normal" life that the rest of us half-dead, hideously-scarred people do.

***

Feel free to submit your own links/comments.