What I've Learned About Girls From People I Know
by Glenn Lazzaro

“You have to be careful when you go down on a girl. They put the snack bar really close to the dump.”
Charlie Fitzpatrick, age 15

“And you put your dick in their pussy. And they like it. I mean, they like it! I know this is a whole 'Santa Claus' thing for you, but your mom did it. My mom did it. That’s why we’re here. Fuck you. I’m just trying to clue you in.”
Gary Delmoro, age 20

“Before you get serious with a girl, she has to pass the ‘bucket of water test’. You have to find out a way to get her soaking wet. It’s the only way you can tell what she really looks like.”
Harry Takourian, age 17

“She’s perfect for you. She’s got that, chapped corners of the mouth thing that retarded people have.”
Harry Takourian, age 18

“I’m a leg man. I’m a leg man because legs are attached to all the good parts. The ass, the pussy, and even the tits.”
Gary Takourian, age 19

“Girls are just like cars. There are some you want to drive and some you want to own, but they’re never the same person.”
Greg Cardoza, age 22

“The only time you can tell for sure if a girl likes you is when she fucks you. And even then it’s not definite. It could be a hate fuck.”
Wizard, age 24

“Remember, girls are precious. No crazy driving. You’re carrying precious cargo.
Tina’s Dad (On Prom night), age 55

“Ask me in the shower. A girl can get me to do anything she wants if she asks me in the shower.”
Tom Lazzaro, age 25

“She’s a ‘hooter hider.’ You know, a girl that crosses her arms to cover her breasts. She thinks her breasts are all anyone is paying attention to.”
Andy Hignite, age 29

“A woman has to wear a bra at all times if she wants to be taken seriously.”
Marie Lazzaro, age 67

“I don’t even talk to girls under 30. They’re crazy until then. Then they get crazy again around 35. So you got like 5 years when they’re sane.”
Tom Lazzaro, age 40

“Yes she’s a whore. That’s the only reason she’s sitting with you.”
Thomas Lazzaro, age 61

“Since I’ve gotten older I don’t think about sex anymore. I can finally concentrate. I haven’t been able to concentrate for 60 years.”
Nick Cordovano,age 71

“I can’t believe I’m fucking a 60 year old woman. What’s up with that?”
Uncle Bob Siedenberg at his wife’s 60th birthday.

“Did you fuck my daughter? I figured you did, ‘cause everyone did. Could you ask her to clean up her fucking room? She won’t listen to me because I’m the only guy that hasn’t fucked her.”
Edward Lilly, age 60

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Thanks, G
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