KRANKS CALLED

The new Tim Allen/Jamie Lee Curtits holiday movie, Christmas With the Kranks is getting some of the worst reviews ever. Okay, no surprise there. But these reviews are so gleefully, mockingly terrible, it's enough to make me downright cheerful. Roger Ebert says, "The movie is not funny, ever, in any way, beginning to end." And E! Online reports, "Avoiding the Kranks can be your gift to the whole family."

Here are some reviews you didn't see.

"They say that the suicide rate goes way up during the holidays. And yet, they still allow Tim Allen to make Christmas movies."
Santa Claus, North Pole Media Guide.

"More like Christmas with the Cunts."
Gandhi's Ghost, US Weekly

"Christmas With the Kranks rules!! Who cares what Ebert or those other reviewers think? Hollywood is controlled by secular Jews who hate Christianity. It‘s not a secret, OK? And I‘m not afraid to say it. That‘s why they hate this movie. It‘s about Jesus Christ, and it‘s about truth. It‘s about the messiah."
Mel Gibson, The Bible

"Last week I rented a movie called What's the Worst That Could Happen?, and all it showed is the preview for Christmas with the Kranks, then the words, "Based on a true story." Yikes. I also rented Faces of Death: Part 12, and it was just a video of my wife and I watching Home Improvement."
Marc Bolan, T-Rex

"I don't know - it didn't seem all that bad to me. I didn't see or hear anything UNfunny about it."
Helen Keller, Seattle Stranger

"Once I sat on a porcupine. As I was trying to get the quills out of my rump, the phone rang--it was the police calling to tell me my whole family was dead. Then I slipped in some poop and fell down the stairs into a pile of dead rats and broken glass. Seeing Christmas with the Kranks is the worst thing that ever happened to me."
Jessica Lynch, Al Jazeera Movie Minute with Colin Quinn

"Boy this movie sounds worse than Titanic."
James Cameron, Variety

"WHERE ARE ALL THE GODDAMN LAWYERS?!!"
John Grisham, TV Guide

by Kittenpants with help from Matt, and Franky.

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