SIX THINGS YOU DON'T KNOW ABOUT THE BLACK TABLE

1. The Editors Each Have Secret Identities
A.J. Daulerio is actually Albert Dunavent, a high school volleyball coach from Kenosha, WI. He created the nickname "A.J." in an attempt to meet women (which, for the record, is also why he created the "Waxing Off" column). Aileen Gallagher isn't even a real person. Her name is an anagram for Raleigh Angel Ale: a North Carolinan microbrew that Will Leitch discovered while working as a location scout for Dawson's Creek. Eric Gillin is nothing more than urban legend.

2. The Table is Actually Navy Blue
The website was named for an Ikea workbench that was discovered in the garbage outside the editors' Bowery apartment. On a mescaline and cough syrup high, they brought the table inside, dressed it up in a French maid's uniform and decided it had magical powers. In 2004, the creators of Haypenny.com discovered its true color and planned to out the scandal to the world. They were mysteriously and ritually murdered three days later.

3. The Black List Grades On A Curve
Contrary to popular belief, the Black List isn't a collection of submissions made by readers like you. It is written by Buddhist Monks and delivered by mule each week on stone tablets. Items are then assigned a "grade" by Dennis Haskins, TV's "Principal Belding," who actually believes he is a school administrator. The guys just gave him the job to appease his wife, who they're all totally sleeping with.

4. "Week in Craig" Currently In Three Picture Development Deal
God bless Amy Blair. Her award winning column has piqued Hollywood's interest, and is currently the cause of a multi-studio bidding war. The proposed film trilogy revolves around the columnist's climb to fame and fortune, and the inevitable madness that arises from scanning thousands of perverted posts. No director has been attached, but Jared Leto has been extremely vocal about his eagerness to play the movies' main love interest: "$$$ for $ex - m4w - 29."

5. "Waxing Off" Penned By Russian Mail Order Brides.
Duh.

6. The Dream Isn't Entirely Over
So The Black Table is coming to an end. It's a sad fact that will be hard to accept. But you'll visit its archives from time to time when you feel homesick. And you'll find its editors taking over the world with new and exciting projects. And you've still got those naked pictures from their last Christmas party to masturbate to. What I'm saying is, you'll find a way to make life worth living again. And until then, there are goth songs and sleeping pills to get you through.

Love you, BT. I look forward to your new adventures.
xo,
kittenpants

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The dudes (and I say "dudes" with the utmost respect and love) at Yankee Pot Roast have included this little love poem in their Black Table Roast. I know that's a lot of uses of the word "Roast" this early in the morning. Try not to let it get you down.
Feel free to submit your own links/comments.