Five Things THE TEN is Better Than:

1. Heroin. I saw the movie with a recovering addict, and halfway through the film, all the residual heroin inside him started spewing out of his track marks. His body was physically rejecting the drug. He looked at me, grabbed an old needle from inside his jacket pocket, broke it in half over his knee, threw the broken needle pieces on the ground and spat on them. "I've found a new drug," he told me. "One that does what it should." Then we high-fived over the Huey Lewis reference and went back to watching the movie. And when it was over, we were in the parking garage and this scumbag walked up to us and asked, "Hey, man, you wanna... you wanna score?" And immediately, without hesitation, my friend's cock burst through his jeans and punched the degenerate so hard in the stomach that he died instantly. We dragged his corpse a few feet away and stashed it under the back tires of a Hummer. Then we left a note on the guy's windshield (in case anyone was watching); but all the note said was, "Way to run over a hobo, dumbass."

2. Water. The Ten is better than water. I'll explain. Imagine for a moment that you went to Burning Man and took a bunch of peyote and wandered off into the desert. Your friends thought you'd caught a ride with that blonde chick from Berkeley you kept talking to all night, so they drove off and left you. In fact, they've started calling you a prick for not returning their calls. What they don't know is that in a peyote-fueled episode you smashed your mobile phone against a rock because it wouldn't stop whispering shit about your mom. So you're stuck in the desert alone. And you've been walking for more than 72 hours. And your lips are like, wayyyy chapped - it looks like you dipped your lips in rice and didn't wipe them off, you know? More than anything, you need water. And after 3 days and nights of walking, you've finally stumbled into a town. And you see two buildings on the outskirts. One is a 24-hour convenience store and the other is an independent theater which, conveniently, for this hypothetical situation, is showing The Ten. And you reach into your ripped jeans pocket and pull out a handful of sand and a crumpled five dollar bill. And, taking a mental note at how much water you could buy with five dollars, you walk past the convenience store to the cinema and see that the next showing of The Ten is in 15 minutes and admission is $7.50. So you find the manager's office, knock on the door and ask the man inside if he'd be willing to put his cock in your dry, sandfilled mouth for $2.50, because THAT'S HOW FUCKING GOOD THIS MOVIE IS - SO GOOD YOU'D BE WILLING TO SUCK A STRANGER'S COCK WITH A PARCHED THROAT TO EARN 1/3 OF THE PRICE OF A TICKET. And the manager agrees, shoots a load into your dry-ass mouth, which because of the total lack of saliva makes you cough and gag and choke. Then he throws you 10 quarters and you pick them up, return to the counter to buy a ticket, and make your way into the theater. And as you watch the film, each fit of laughter causes the muscles in your body to constrict in such pain that you know you're dying. But you greet Death with a smile, knowing your last act on Earth was to support independent film, and also, to laugh. And laughter is the best medicine, right?

3. The Bourne Ultimatum

4. All other numbers. There's a new Ryan Reynolds movie coming out called The Nines. Even without seeing it I can say hands down, this movie is better than that. It's better than The Nines, Hard Eight, The Seven Samurai, The Sixth Sense, The Fifth Element, Four Rooms, Threesome, It Takes Two and One Crazy Summer combined. And it's 30 times better than 300.

5. A poke in the eye with a sharp stick.

Seriously, though, it's pretty great. I don't want to give anything away, so I'll just say that if you love prison rape, ventriloquist dummies, deceitful rhinocerouses (rhonoceri?), an abundance of cat scan machines, musical numbers, Shakespeare and Dianne Wiest, you'll love The Ten. Do what you have to do to see it before it leaves theaters.

xo,
kittenpants

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kittenpants.
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